Monday, May 17, 2010

No Euphemisms here!

Consider that your warning.

A few days ago The Queen of Fucking Everything, Crissy, had a little contest. I didn't win but I shared the cake that my aunt got for my mother's birthday and it went over just like a cake that says fuck should. That is, with much adoration.

In my family, we have a special love for the "F" word and we don't believe in being stingy about using it. We aren't stingy about any curse words really. Douche has practically become a term of endearment. Tack something on to the end of it and you've got yourself something really special. There're the regulars of course Douche-Bag, Douche-Nozzle, Douche-Cunt etc. But then there're the fun ones like Douche-Ranger, Douche-Canoe, Captain-Douchey-Cuntlips-McDoucherson. Not really on that last one, I just got a little excited.

Anywhos. Fuck has always had a special place in our family but it wasn't until this past Christmas that it became the out and out theme for our celebrations. It started when my mother told her boyfriend "Your present's in the bag in the floor in the other room. I didn't wrap it." She didn't mean it to sound as bad as it did (I think), but nonetheless it sounded pretty bitchy. My response was "Jeez, Merry Fucking Christmas..." and the angels sang. We started throwing fuck in anywhere and everywhere we could

Mom: "Pass me the fucking potatoes."
Me: :while passing them:"Fuck you, Bitch get the fucking potatoes yourself."
Mom: "Shut the fuck up, Ya Douche!"

It was like a game to see who could be more appallingly vulgar and we all won with flying colors. One might think this would lead the fights and drama but shockingly it was one of the least dramatic holidays we've had. My theory is that Fuck just needs to be said, and if you don't say it happily then you're going to wind up saying angrily.

Needless to say, once the gates were opened there was no going back and the Happy Fucking Holiday has spilled over into the rest of the year. My Aunt totally won this year for my mom's birthday. You could say she "Out-Fucked" us all.

She bribed (literally) the little italian lady at the bakery into writing this on my mom's cake.

Gave her her gift in this bag.

And gave her this card.

So yeah, she won that round but I'm gonna bring the heat for her birthday this summer.

And since it's come to my attention that not everyone has seen this, here you go. Watch it, learn it, take it to heart.

This post is long, but it's full of FUCK - So who cares?!


evilqueen671 said...

Awesome fuckin' post Mel! couldn't have said it better myself!!! thanks for the laugh to start my Tuesday morning! Love you! <3Mom

Anonymous said...

Absofuckinlutely loved the blog. The video was an added touch.