No Euphemisms here!

Consider that your warning.


A few days ago The Queen of Fucking Everything, Crissy, had a little contest. I didn't win but I shared the cake that my aunt got for my mother's birthday and it went over just like a cake that says fuck should. That is, with much adoration.

In my family, we have a special love for the "F" word and we don't believe in being stingy about using it. We aren't stingy about any curse words really. Douche has practically become a term of endearment. Tack something on to the end of it and you've got yourself something really special. There're the regulars of course Douche-Bag, Douche-Nozzle, Douche-Cunt etc. But then there're the fun ones like Douche-Ranger, Douche-Canoe, Captain-Douchey-Cuntlips-McDoucherson. Not really on that last one, I just got a little excited.

Anywhos. Fuck has always had a special place in our family but it wasn't until this past Christmas that it became the out and out theme for our celebrations. It started when my mother told her boyfriend "Your present's in the bag in the floor in the other room. I didn't wrap it." She didn't mean it to sound as bad as it did (I think), but nonetheless it sounded pretty bitchy. My response was "Jeez, Merry Fucking Christmas..." and the angels sang. We started throwing fuck in anywhere and everywhere we could

Mom: "Pass me the fucking potatoes."
Me: :while passing them:"Fuck you, Bitch get the fucking potatoes yourself."
Mom: "Shut the fuck up, Ya Douche!"

It was like a game to see who could be more appallingly vulgar and we all won with flying colors. One might think this would lead the fights and drama but shockingly it was one of the least dramatic holidays we've had. My theory is that Fuck just needs to be said, and if you don't say it happily then you're going to wind up saying angrily.

Needless to say, once the gates were opened there was no going back and the Happy Fucking Holiday has spilled over into the rest of the year. My Aunt totally won this year for my mom's birthday. You could say she "Out-Fucked" us all.

She bribed (literally) the little italian lady at the bakery into writing this on my mom's cake.



Gave her her gift in this bag.


And gave her this card.




So yeah, she won that round but I'm gonna bring the heat for her birthday this summer.

And since it's come to my attention that not everyone has seen this, here you go. Watch it, learn it, take it to heart.





This post is long, but it's full of FUCK - So who cares?!

Time not only flies, it apparently takes the Concorde

See this little nugget here?

She's my cousin; the first one I ever got. She makes me feel old.


She used to sit in my lap. Even when I was 13 and didn't bother washing off my makeup for days.


She loved me despite my awkward-dress-like-you're-40-in-middle-school phase.

And she's been making me feel old for a while now. Like when she turned 7 and we went to Disney.

Where's my baby?

But see now, she makes me feel even older. Maybe not age-wise, I know I'm still young. But you don't realize quite how much 10 years is until this

becomes this


And she's a wise ass just like you were at that age and the phone never leaves her hand and she's as tall as you are when she wears heels and she wears heels.
And suddenly instead of "melmo" and sesame street you're chatting about cliques and boys and holy crap where is my baby?
She turned 12 on thursday and when I tell her how she makes me feel old and how I remember the day she was born and how her mom got mad at me for saying she looked like a grumpy old asian man, she rolls her eyes at me.

But thats okay because this guy?

This little nugget turned 1 on Wednesday.

And one day, faster than she realizes, she's gonna look at this picture and say "Where's my baby!?"

And he'll roll his eyes at her. And the cycle will come full circle once again.



P.S. My only consolation it that even though she's grown like a bean pole, I can still put in a headlock just like old times :D



But she grew up fine anyway right? Apparently older kids harrassing the younger ones is tradition.


Happy Birthday, Guys!