Monday, November 9, 2009

Stuck between a Hobo and the Evil Spider of death.

I'm an arachnophobe.
However, I am both more and less arachnophobic than others who fear spiders. It's spidery movement that freaks me out the most, spiders running give me full blown panic attacks. Even thinking about it makes me twitchy. As long as they don't move and aren't on me, I can deal, sorta. Actually, I have this sick compulsion to watch them, and in the case of the huge spider of death that recently took up residence on my back porch, photograph them-a lot. The watching them is purely self preservation, if they move I'm not having them sneak up on me and bite my face off, I'm out of there.

One of my most horrifying spider moments happened recently while I was driving my mother home. As we were on the highway, I had a spider in my dashboard. As in behind the plexiglass, running all over the gauges, being backlit by the lights? Yeah, insert panic here. Only the fact that the thing was stuck behind the glass stopped us from dying in a fiery crash. Pulling over wasn't really an option since we were on the highway in a tunnel and my mother can't drive standard anyway. So I had to keep driving, both hands on the wheel, near the dashboard, and I couldn't stop watching it. My mother was sure that my constantly flickering eyes were going to kill us but I assured her that if that thing found a way out and crawled up my arm as we were driving, there was no hope anyway. (And it was one of those white/green ones, the super nasty ones, you know which ones I mean right? Ew.) So I kept driving, eyes going from road to spider and back again every .3 seconds and I'm getting hysterical, I started laughing and crying at the same time and started hyperventilating, it was bad. So we finally get to my mother's house I drop her off and try to get home as fast as possible so I can be free of my own personal little hell when the thing disappears. Never to be seen again. But it really only made me panic even more because the thing obviously found a way through the vents and is going to be blown into my eyes and kill me, right?

Then comes this weekend when this (Warning: There is a bunch of my big nasty spider pictures there.) decided to make it's big nasty home on my back porch. He is like, the mother of all nastiness and evil. Well, not really. I have seen bigger nastier spiders which ran off the dock over the water to eat me alive, but that was in Maine. Maine is woods , it's supposed to be full of big nasty spiders the size of pancakes, you expect them there. There are reasons I don't live in Maine. I live in Boston, a big very urban city, not woodsy, not full of big nasty spiders. Or so I thought, I want a refund. But at least He was away from the doorway and I never caught him moving and I could just use the front door. My sister in law and mother in law both suggested they could shoo him away with a broom, to which I told them in my very calm and loving way "F*cking hell no!" Because then he'd get mad and come wait for me and ambush me in my bed. This is a well established fact.
So this leads me to tonight. When I pulled up to my house, there was a very dirty, very homeless looking man on my front porch. Usually I just give homeless people a few bucks and go on my way but what the hell was he doing on my porch?! I was sure that if I tried to go in the house I'd end up clearing out the basement for a hobo apartment because I don't know how to tell people no, or be mean. That's a lie, i tell friends and family no and am mean all the time, I don't know how to do those things with strangers. Creepy strangers in particular. I once spent over an hour talking to a 40 something year old guy who lived in his mom's basement and wanted to invent an insulated rolling backpack that could carry 4 gallons of milk for people who didn't have cars and happened to buy four gallons of milk at a time. Like him. I told him I thought he was on to something. So obviously there was no way I could start up a conversation with this hobo on my porch, he'd end asking to come live in my bathroom or something and this isn't even my house. That left the spider. I manned up walked and back there only to find that rather than being to the right of the door, he had built a new web! Anyone care to guess where? Across the door! OF COURSE! And not only that, he was in the middle of the web-Moving. And yet, it was either duck under the web and run or have a hobo using my toothbrush. So I did it, I ducked, I ran, I screeched and brushed off every inch of my body once I was inside. And it's a damn good thing the door was unlocked because I would have died on the spot if I'd had to stand there. But then? Then my mother in law decided that was that and she swept him away. So now I'm going to wake up after my husband leaves at 2am and have the evil spider of death chew my face off.
Think I can trade for the hobo?