Mattress Mayhem

We bought a new mattress set and it's not going well. The title isn't actually fair, the mattress itself caused a least amount of mayhem. The real issue, the bane of my new bed existance is the mother loving box spring.

The stupid box spring won't fit up the stairs to the third floor, where my bedroom is. So we tried the easy stuff like moving the 500lb book case and then we realized it wasn't happening. So we admitted defeat and called to see how much it would be to exchange the queen box spring for a twin split. Oh sure the Macy's people said, no problem! Lets see you bought the set on sale for just under $400 and it's not on sale any more so a twin split costs just $887! Plus a delivery fee of course.

Cue a prompt hanging up of the phone and the engineering minds, of which there are many, in the house going into overdrive. I immediately went to the trusty interwebs and found lots of instructions on how to cut a box spring in half, fold it, move it and reinforce it back to normal.

Perfect! Nay, nay said the engineering minds.

Oh? So what shall we do then? Their two best options were to take out the door frame and chop up a wall OR cut a door sized hole in the back of the house on the third floor which would then be covered in plastic and dealt with God only knows when. Did I mention it was after 9pm, below freezing and snowing? And chopping a giant hole in the side of the house was a viable option.

At this point I said - Hey! Lets go buy some plywood and we can put that down on the frame and deal with this tomorrow? NAY! How about we have my uncle build a platform bed and we can sell the still wrapped in plastic box spring on craigslist? NAY!

Since it was dark, and I'm fairly sure this was the only factor here, they decided to forego chopping a giant hole in the side of the house.

In the end, despite their best attempts at chopping the house to bits, the box spring never made it up those stairs last night.

Instead I ended up with this.



And when I tried to put the sheets on I realized the label said something I hadn't seen before.



600 thread count egyptian cotton? Nothing wrong with that. It's the words below it that caused the trouble. The ones that tell me that I could fit my mattress and box spring in the sheet and still have 4 inches of room left over. Do people really have 20" thick mattresses?

And in the end I didn't even end up sleeping on my nice new mattress on the floor because when we took it out of the plastic, my nice new mattress smelled like a bunch of not so nice chemicals and instantly gave me a headache.

So in the end I had this.


A chunk out of the wall...


A missing door frame...


And sleeping in a bunch of blankets on my living room floor.

Which was, pathetically, my husband and I agree, more comfortable than my old mattress. And now this morning, we are in the process of taking apart the box spring to fit it up the stairs. Sound like a familiar plan?

And while I realize that this voids the warranty, since the mattress would essentially have to come alive and murder you in your sleep for it to be covered anyway, I'm not too concerned.